Rinji Oh

Too many thoughts are crossing my mind. Haven’t been sleeping well for days now. Hard to fall asleep again just like how it was years ago. Always tired as hell but can’t even take a nap comfortably.

This is it. It’s really the time to finally say the real good bye. Have no clue how it would be after. Less than a week left. I’m building puzzles any free time I could get. It’s a really good hobby to clear my thoughts. But when everything’s quite and dark, when all I can hear is others sleeping, it all comes back.

I don’t even know what I’m really doing. I’m not even thinking about anything. It’s as if my mind went blank all of the sudden and I feel like my whole body disappeared and only my thoughts are floating around the room. But when I try to catch those thoughts, my body becomes a huge burden on me. Wish I could cut off my arms, legs, actually everything but the head.

I know I’ll be tired tomorrow again. My head hurts from lack of sleep. I want to sleep but I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to have another day to come. I want to run away. In the end that’s what I do best. I don’t know what to do.

I wanna be really sick so that I can’t even move a finger. I wish I could live in a world with no i worries. Not even that. I wish I could not worry about a thing.

When I just feel down for whatever reason, I can’t even be down as I feel because I feel bad for being sad since my husband hates it so much. Kind of feel like I lost my freedom of feeling. I really don’t know what to do when I feel like ‘I must be happy no matter what.’ I want to have a choice. Wish I had a friend I can just share every freaking thing without worrying about others.

I want to run away.

I had felt like this before. A couple of years ago when we were getting married and looking to buy a house and all that, I felt like I was trapped and i felt like if I get in that trap I will never be able to get out. Turned out it was a safe trap to tale me to a happier life. But then, I was scared as hell. I wanted to run away then.

And now, i want to run away again. I don’t really know why. I have no clue. I want to think of a solution and work it out but I just have no freaking clue. I wanna leave.

Times like this, I would usually just take few days and go somewhere like beach, mountains, lakes.. But that’s not even possible any more. What the hell do I do?